Ignite the Flame: Spicing Things Up in the Bedroom - Insights from a Psychotherapist

Intimacy and passion are vital aspects of a healthy and satisfying romantic relationship. Over time, however, the excitement in the bedroom can dwindle, leaving couples yearning for ways to reignite the flame. As a psychologist and couples therapist with a Los-Angeles based private practice, I often hear my clients talk about the importance of maintaining a vibrant and fulfilling sexual connection. I think we all have a clear understanding of “Why” it is important, and the only remaining question is “How.” Let’s explore various strategies to help you rekindle the passion and deepen the emotional bond with your partner.

1. Communication is Key:
Open and honest communication forms the foundation of a strong relationship. Ask your partner about their desires, fantasies, and interests in the bedroom. Create a safe space to discuss sex and intimacy and share your own desires, turn-ons, and ideas.  Be gentle approaching this potentially sensitive subject and attuned to your partner’s level of comfort talking about sex. When expressing your desires or sharing fantasies, it is important for the delivery to be non-judgmental and light-hearted. Too serious or critical an approach is a sure way to dampen the spark. Stay open-minded – your partner’s sexual tastes might be different from yours and that is ok. Discuss boundaries, and comfort levels, and explore ideas together.

2. Establish Emotional Safety:
In couples counseling, we often talk about creating a safe space in the relationship. Physical intimacy is closely linked to emotional connection. Engage in activities that foster emotional bonding, such as spending quality time together, going on dates, or engaging in shared hobbies. Explore each other’s of Love-Languages and be prepared to learn that “love” means different things to each of you. For some love can be acts of service, for some – presents, for some – words of affirmation, quality time, or physical affection. For more information check out Gary Chapman’s book – The Five Love Languages. Once you learn your partner’s love language(s) – make sure to speak it often. Also, avoid such intimacy and safety destroyers like criticism, nagging or silent treatment. Emotional closeness creates a sense of security and trust, which can enhance the level of freedom, creativity, and fun in the bedroom.

3. Expand Your Knowledge and Experience:
Educate yourself about sexuality, the body, and sexual play. Read books, and articles, or attend workshops that focus on enhancing sexual intimacy. Explore and know your own body and sexual turn-ons and help your partner learn more about theirs. Expanding our minds and fantasy is often the precursor to the expansion of our bedroom repertoire.

4. Embrace Novelty:
Introduce novelty into your sexual play to keep things exciting. Try new positions, experiment with role-playing, or explore the world of fantasy. Incorporate toys, games, or even simple props to add a touch of adventure. Remember, the goal is to explore new experiences together and create an environment that stimulates both partners.

5. Create an Ambience:
NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) describes 3 key sensory modalities – Visual, Auditory, and Kinesthetic (touch and physical sensation). Using these keys, transform your bedroom into a haven of sensuality. Experiment with soft lighting, colors, and style. Make it visually pleasing and inviting. Add Auditory touch with softer and sexier music. Engage your kinesthetic senses through the use of fabrics and textures. An inviting and sensual bedroom might get you in the mood and enhance your shared experience.


6. Focus on the Pleasure and the Process:
In other words, lose the goal-oriented approach to sex. It is not something to be accomplished. It is something to be experienced. Incorporate mindfulness into your sexual experiences. Focus on being fully present, savoring each touch, sensation, and emotion. Slow down the pace, breathe deeply, and immerse yourself in the moment. Mindfulness can heighten awareness, intensify pleasure, and foster a deep sense of connection between partners.

7. Be Adventurous Outside the Bedroom:
Living in Los Angeles, California, affords an immense diversity of outdoor experiences. Exploring new experiences together outside the bedroom can reignite the spark within. Engage in activities that challenge you as a couple, such as adventurous outings, travel, or trying new hobbies. A great way to create a shared adventure is to attend a couples retreat, such as the Couples Bootcamp I co-facilitate with my husband. Couple Getaway is an excellent opportunity to step away from the mundane and dive into relationship learning and experiential growth. Building shared experiences and creating a sense of novelty in your everyday lives can translate into increased passion within the bedroom.


Revitalizing the passion in your relationship is an ongoing process that requires effort, open-mindedness, and communication. By incorporating these psychologist-approved strategies, you can spice things up in the bedroom and foster a deeper connection with your partner. Remember, each couple is unique, so experiment, have fun, and find what works best for both of you. Embrace the journey of exploring new dimensions of pleasure, intimacy, and love.