The Impact of Gay Porn on Gay Men and Gay Couples

Being an out-and-proud gay therapist with a private practice in Los Angeles, California, I gravitated to specializing in gay couples therapy and gay marriage counseling. Working with same-sex couples, the subject of sex is a frequent guest in our conversations. Pornography occupies an important place in the erotic landscape of gay male couples. The influence of porn is a complex and multidimensional subject and here I will try to touch upon potential benefits and challenges.

Navigating Realities and Expectations

One of the most significant impacts of gay porn on gay couples is the shaping of sexual expectations. Pornography often portrays sexual encounters as highly intense, ceaselessly passionate, and devoid of any awkwardness or emotional complexity. While this can be entertaining and even educational, it can also set unrealistic standards for sexual performance and physical appearances.

While enjoying porn, it is helpful to remember that this is a performance, aided by performance-enhancing substances, skillfully choreographed and directed, filmed from the most flattering angles, recorded in several takes, and masterfully edited. The adult actors are pros in their field and often are chosen due to their physical attributes and abilities. In these regards, it is no different from any other movie we enjoy. Keeping things in perspective is key.

Useful Sexual Enhancer

In gay couples therapy, the question of porn and masturbation vs. shared sexual experiences often come up. More specifically, one partner at times expresses discontent with the use of porn by another partner, stating that it diminishes the frequency of sex in their relationship. What often diminishes the frequency of sex is tension or disconnect between the partners, rather than the use of porn. In this case, I am not speaking of compulsive behavior, often referred to as “porn addiction,” which is outside of the scope of this piece.

Porn can be used to fuel the erotic flame in the relationship either through shared enjoyment, or solo consumption to increase one’s fantasy and arousal, which then can be channeled into sexual play within the relationship. Here lies an opportunity for an important relationship conversation about personal sexual needs and desires, as well as the use of porn by the partners.

Pornography's Impact on Mental Health

The positive aspects of gay porn for gay men and gay couples may include important sexual education, which often is hard to come by. It is also an affirming representation of gay sex and gay masculinity, which can support the formation of gay identity. Through porn, we are often offered a way to explore our sexual fantasies and better understand our sexual script of turn-ons and attraction. Furthermore, it can offer an easy route for sexual enjoyment and even fulfillment when a shared sexual experience is either unavailable or not desired.

However, the benefits of gay adult films are accompanied by caveats to consider. We mentioned earlier the trap of comparison and the importance of treating it as sexy entertainment, rather than a portrayal of reality. Additionally, porn offers an immediate and high degree of arousal with zero demands of reciprocity. This is not how a shared sexual experience with a lover works. Habitual reliance on porn may desensitize us to the more nuanced sexual flow of real-life sexual experience, which may seem not as stimulating in comparison. We may also use porn to escape the challenges in our relationship, which is likely to exacerbate the disconnect with our partner.

As a couples therapist working with gay couples in Los Angeles, California, I notice how my clients use porn for sexual exploration and communication, while also at times faced with the challenges we discussed above. Gay couples therapy is a safe space to talk about the role of porn in our sexual scripts and the use of adult material in the relationship as a part of a larger conversation about intimacy, connection, and fulfillment in our relationships.